Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!