The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
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What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.