Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
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this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
this will hang in the louvre one day
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night