Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name