*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
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Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.