*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
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My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I think we should hear other voices.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Krampus.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?