My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
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I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault