Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.