Wasn’t this a cartoon.
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Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Taking phone security to the next level.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.