[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
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Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
But wait…
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.