it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
You Might Also Like
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
mood
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
“no gods no masters” = leo
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
get you a girl who
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends