Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
You Might Also Like
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.