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Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.