For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
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I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Can Happiness buy money?
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Which wines pair best with gloating?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I got soap in my shower beer again.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”