Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
one of
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.