Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
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Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.