I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
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me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
When you’re here for the treats.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it