Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much