Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages