Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
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Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac