Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
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Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.