“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
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“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Love this guy
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.