Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
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wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke