Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
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Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music