[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Story of my life…..
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night