Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
I love the National Park Service.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion