I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
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Tell the colonel to bring it
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
😆this is so true
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”