Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
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[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.