Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…