Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
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🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”