Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
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Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.