First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
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One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉