I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
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*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Start the year as you intend to continue.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan