Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???