I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
You Might Also Like
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Meow
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.