STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
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Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
A great tip. #CakeRex
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.