yall want some gasoline milk
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did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Oh deer
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
2022 will be better than 2021
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you