If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
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“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Merica.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.