For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
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We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I love wikipedia
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly