I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
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IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]