*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
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When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
okay run it by me one more time
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
What the hell happened here.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”