It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
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The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.