“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Miscakes
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Match dot com, but for socks.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking