Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
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Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.