insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.