Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
lol
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Somebody’s lying.