I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
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Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
This is a sub tweet
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
umm…
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun