I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
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I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.