[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
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People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
This is the one
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
me doing my best
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases