If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
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This kid will have a bright future.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.